Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
