I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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