so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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