life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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