The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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