Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
