I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
