doug butabi!
steve butabi!
hotties wanna shake it
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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