I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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