omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
