I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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