we'll go far in life on tits alone.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
