don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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