then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize