some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
