How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
