I molested 6 butterflies tonight
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
