all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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