btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize