Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
