Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
it's great music for shaving your balls
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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