That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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