I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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