Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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