he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
