Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
