i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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