And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
It's official drugs can't kill me
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
