I need help removing her.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
