We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
