Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
