the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize