in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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