btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
