So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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