Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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