my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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