Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
