Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize