Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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