Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Operation Purity has been aborted
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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