Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You smell like stripper and shame
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
