I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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