On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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