Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
