Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
