I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
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