bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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