dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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