The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
