dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
