I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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