I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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