Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
