my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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