When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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