I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my sisters under your porch take her home
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
